Morbid Curiosity: Army Men: Sarges Heroes

This review is short because I was not able to play it past Boot Camp. Why? The game's in German and the signs don't help me figure out where to go. However, I was able to get the basic gist of the controls and how much they SUCK.

Notable: while the game shows a Dual Shock controller in the options screen, it doesn't seem to actually support a Dual Shock controller for anything other than digital control, which defeats the purpose of an analog stick in the first place.

Entering the boot camp - my M-16 rifle that I start with not only has infinite ammo, but is also fully button-mash compatible, firing at exactly the speed of my thumb. Which means that the M-16 could theoretically be an Ultimate Weapon, provided that I can mash buttons at 16-per-second like Takahashi Meijin can.

My first weapon aside from the M-16 is a bazooka, which I proceed to blow up a bunch of cardboard cutouts with. Unfortunately, said cutouts do not scorch or blow apart like in the original Army Men, they just fall over. This disappoints me.

Up next is the flamethrower, which I don't manage to actually do anything to the targets with aside from waste a lot of ammo. I am able to burn trees, though, which I have not been able to do since Terra Nova: Strike Force Centauri.

I inadvertently wander into the "obstacle course", which solely consists of jumping over things until I reach the exit. And making sure I don't walk off the thin wooden planks, which isn't terribly easy (or fun) because Sarge's turn sensitivity is so low that I have to actually stop halfway across the bridge to adjust.

Finally, I find a tank, which I board by walking straight into it. I don't know how to get out. Eventually I manage to maneuver the tank into the minesweeper training area, where I discover that there are not actually any live land mines. I notice two recruits running back and forth with their rifles above their heads, so I chase them and shoot at them until I get stuck inside the minefield fence. Game over, I suppose.

Verdict: it sucks.

Morbid Curiosity: Mega Man 3

Before the fanboys kill me: this is no ordinary Mega Man 3 review. For I, Weasel, am not reviewing any ordinary Mega Man 3. This is Mega Man 3, as developed by Rozner Labs and published by Hi-Tech Expressions.

I actually owned the first Mega Man by Hi-Tech, back when the screenshots promised an accurate port of the NES original. But this assumption is very wrong - and one look at this screenshot should tell you everything you need to know.

Dear god.

And as if that weren't enough, just try playing the game without a joystick (or hell, WITH a joystick). The keyboard controls remind me of the worst MegaZeux games - the J key jumps, Spacebar fires, Escape opens up Mega Man's weapon selection screen, and the only way to get back out of that screen is to type the letter of a weapon.

And I have no idea how to quit the game, either, so quitting out of the game entails killing DOSBox with Ctrl+F9.

I must now remove this stain from my hard drive. Unfortunately, it already pollutes my memory as of 1993, so...I'm screwed.

More soul-destroying goodness is to come, in the form of Army Men: Sarge's Heroes for the PS1!

Terror That Wears A Loincloth

God, I forgot just how fun a game of Rainbow Six can be with a friend. Since my brother has yet to get a copy of R6 Vegas, we hooked up on the next best thing - Raven Shield, with the Athena Sword expansion pack and various additional maps.

Much fun was had. We fought through Import-Export, the Factory level from FEAR, and one of the training areas before my sister-in-law claimed the computer. 'Twas very very fun, and I hope to hook up with Bro again soon.

Oh, and we're also using an increased realism mod - don't know what all it changes specifically, but it removes the crosshairs and allows you to aim with iron-sights - something that I felt was extremely lacking before! Now, the game is Perfect. (Well...enemy AI is still a bit unfair, but at least it isn't Rogue Spear-level unfair.)

I'm Livin' In The Red, Update

Talked to my boss. Apparently I wasn't supposed to get paid for the time I spent at home waiting for the phone to ring. Well for fuck's sake, I'm stuck at home and I can't go anywhere because I'm obligated to stay and wait for somebody to call me in to work. I should at least be paid a small fraction for that! But NO, the boss says it's not supposed to work like that.

I'm actually crying right now, because I'm so angry. I'm afraid. I don't want to ask my parents to loan me money, but I'm sure it'll come to that, because I don't even know how much I'm going to have to pay for my hospital visits.

If it wasn't for that damn cyst and this yeast infection, this whole thing would never have happened. My damn boss, too - he thought I was quitting so he started cutting my hours. Yet I told him quite clearly that I was only looking for another job. I never said ANYTHING about quitting. He should not have been cutting my hours until I explicitly gave him my two-weeks notice.

I want to kill something right now.

I'm Livin' In The Red

My cash flow has hit an all-time low, as my latest paycheck is for a whopping $17. That is not a typo. I have been awarded the princely sum of seventeen fuckin' dollars for my sweat, occasional tears, and maybe a bit of blood. My back hurts, my feet are killing me, and what do my noble employers do to compensate me? Almost nothing!

I'm going to have a word with somebody. I have to check and double-check all of my hours that I logged, because I'm not going to put up with shit like this. Unfortunately, I can't just leave, because I don't have any other place I can work. And with Dad in between jobs at the moment, my support is needed more than ever - which means I'll have to sign over my entire paycheck to the parents, if not the hospital and Sprint first.

Shit. Somebody kill me, I'm feeling too rotten to do it myself.

The Hand of Doom Is Niiiiigh!

I've been having issues with my computer for a while - three months now, it feels like. Rather than explain them, I'll show you:

This occurs in many things. Sometimes it works perfectly - other times it gets extreme, like this video of DarkPlaces. What's causing this? How can I stop it?

System specs: Pentium D 3.0 GHz, 2 GB of RAM, two 160 GB hard drives, two GeForce 7900 GS/256 MB video cards, Sound Blaster X-Fi (ExtremeMusic, I think), Windows XP Home SP2.

On Call

Being on call sucks sometimes. Like, it's the same as a day off, but I can't leave the house, because I'm waiting for the phone to ring (if it ever does). This drives me crazy.

Ugh, My Back...

My back hurts...but not as much as that picture seems to imply. I'm just sore from lying on my stomach for the past few days - yeah, I do get up occasionally, but the doctor actually requires me to not be sitting down for most of the day as I am accustomed to doing.

A yeast infection is about the worst thing that could happen to a guy with my kind of lifestyle. Especially if it's on your crucial sit-down parts.

So I've been lying on my stomach for most of the day, playing Etrian Odyssey, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Parasite Eve...whatever I can get on my handheld systems. The games are good, but my back is hurting from supporting myself with my arms.

I probably just need to lose weight. I'm 206 lbs, and none too happy about it. Granted, I'm not angry about it either, but it's rather annoying.

The Miracle of Life, Again

I, being Weasel and all that, am always on the lookout for things involving my namesake. So it was today that I picked up this image from CuteOverload.com - a baby weasel. They (and subsequently, I) posted one baby weasel before, but who can truly get enough of baby weasels?

Haze Sounds Freaking Awesome

There are too damn many awesome-looking shooters coming out. Good thing I'll soon be able to play them, as I plan to purchase an XBox 360 Premium as soon as next week (assuming everything pans out for my work hours).

Most exciting to me, though, is the upcoming Haze, by Free Radical. The team behind the game seems to be putting through a strong message about drugs. According to this Kotaku feature, the Mantel soldiers are going to be using a miracle drug called Nectar. What this Nectar does is enhances one's combat abilities to the point where they become super-soldiers - enemies are highlighted clearly for them, auto-aiming kicks in more effectively to the point where headshots are ridiculously easy, grenades make ripply effects to give them early warning signs.

But that comes at a price - the level of Nectar must be kept in check, otherwise the soldier will overdose, causing seriously undesirable effects - everybody will show up as an enemy on screen, the auto-aim will aim at other Mantel players, and sometimes even start firing the gun automatically without input from the player. Players will even find themselves priming grenades at random and never throwing them, causing them to explode and take their teammates with them.

The Rebel players can take advantage of this - while they may lack the proper military upbringing of the Mantel players, as well as the Nectar abilities, they can do things like steal weapons, play dead, or even deliberately cause overdoses on Mantel players - shooting them in their backpack will trigger overdose, and players can even take the backpack and attach it to a grenade, creating a cloud of Nectar that can cause overdose effects on large groups of Mantel soldiers.

These features are making me drool. How soon does Haze come out?

WHAT?! 2008?! Dammit!

Ban Weapons Through The Ages

I've heard many terms tossed around the Net - the Banhammer, the Bancannon...and now the Banzerfaust. I diligently researched these elegant weapons and discovered their origins.

The first known instance of a banweapon was recorded in some rare accounts of Arthurian legend - wherein King Arthur himself was said to carry a banhammer at all times when matching wits with the great wizard Merlin at chess. Merlin, being a wizard, was often rumored to cheat; Arthur had not taken these rumors lightly and ordered his best blacksmiths to manufacture a weapon that was not intended to kill - merely prevent its intended target from committing minor wrongs within the confines of a simple game.

The ban weapon did not surface again until the Renaissance period - as cannons were becoming more and more common around forts, so too did the Bancannon, devised by the English in the mid-1700's to deal with the increase of pirate activity. While regular cannons were used in siege operations and naval combat, Bancannons were more popular to use in demolishing buildings - such as seedy taverns and gambling houses. Banhammers were still used at this point to single out individual cheaters and wrongdoers, but their design was made more compact than Arthur's original Banhammer.

The 19th century brought further advances in ban weapon technology, with the advent of saloons and more sophisticated methods of cheating at cards. The famous gambler, Bret Maverick, was reputed to have inspired several new and unique ban weapons, such as the Bangun, a special single-shot pistol used by law enforcers to ensure swift and clean justice wherever it was necessary.

It was after Maverick's death that the ban weapon industry reached a standstill - that is, until the rise to power of Adolf Hitler and his Nazi regime. Not satisfied with merely weeding out gamblers and other minor miscreants, Germany's top weapon designers improved upon 1943's Panzerfaust design with an added banning punch - the Banzerfaust. Many ban enforcers did not like the Banzerfaust, due to the need to carry several units, as the weapon was unusable after firing its one shot. This in mind, the Wehrmacht borrowed from their other designs to create the Banzerschreck - a reusable, more powerful way to launch heavy ban-rocket payloads over distances of up to 600 feet away.

The Cold War brought an arms race between the United States and the Soviet Union - not just in nuclear warheads, but in weapons of mass banning. No weapons program ever successfully reached fruition, though, until around 2001's START I treaty. Now, such weapons are limited to digital use only - we know these weapons now as End User License Agreements and Terms of Service Violations. While nowhere near as elegant as the Banhammers of old, many people still refer to them as such to this day, out of recognition of the ban weapon's glorious and storied history.

Vote Sebben 2008

Morbid Curiosity: Heavy Nova

Another Whiz Bang rental from back in the day - apparently we were the last people to rent the game, as shortly after it was returned, the one copy was stolen by somebody. (I pity whoever stole it - I bet you can't even GIVE the game away now...)

Heavy Nova is an attempt at a two-dimensional action/fighting game, as was common around the time of Street Fighter 2. Except rather than just settle for one-on-one fighting alone, Heavy Nova also has 2D platforming stages between fights (or more accurately, fights between the platforming stages).


When the game starts, you are walking along a straight line, occasionally kicking at robots that are somewhat smaller than you. However, despite how small these things are, they're entirely capable of knocking you down just by touching you (whereas you must press one of two awkward attack buttons in order to hit them). That's not all - just one screen from your starting point, there is a force field that turns on and off. Timing is critical to get through it - because one frame too soon or too late, and your robot's badly-coded collision box will get in the way of the field and knock you down. It certainly doesn't help that your robot's movement is very slow and jerky...unless you fly.


It's worth mentioning that you can fly. Just press Up on the directional pad and you can soar through the skies...for a little bit, anyway. Flight controls are really, really touchy...there's two ways to fly: slowly (pressing Up first and then forward), and too damn fast (moving forward and then pressing Up). Neither is very controllable, and both ways are almost certain to land you on one of the many land mines or floating spiked balls throughout the level.


If, heaven forbid, you happen to make it past this gauntlet (actually not too hard considering things don't really damage you very much in the first level), you get to face off against the Boss, whose arrival is announced with the word "FIGHT" printed in giant letters before the screen fades in to the Street Fighter mode.

There are no Hadokens or Shouryukens here - in the very first fight, you only get three moves. Your basic punch, your crappy heel-drop kick, and some kind of spin kick if you hold forward for a couple seconds before hitting Kick. Robots also do not face each other automatically - in order to change directions, you have to hold backwards for about a second. Simply tapping backwards just makes you move backwards. And no, you can't block, which sucks because the FIRST BOSS has the ability to cheap-shot you into oblivion. See those bar graphs? The top is your health. The one on bottom is your stamina, which depletes slowly and charges even slower. If you can't get away from the boss, he'll punch you repeatedly, wearing this gauge down to the point that you can't get up anymore.


Beating the first boss unlocks more moves, but the game does not actually tell you how to perform them. And since the rental copy I got years ago didn't come with the manual, it didn't really help me much (in fact, I'm actually kinda positive that there is no manual).

If there is one redeeming quality about Heavy Nova, though, it's the music. I actually like most of the music in this game, and I have to wonder if the composer is somebody that I know. Unfortunately, given how obscure (rightfully!) this game is, there doesn't seem to be any listing of the credits anywhere online.

So in conclusion (finally, thank god!), Heavy Nova greatly deserves its obscure status. No serious video game player should ever have to deal with a game this terrible. (Well, except me - because I'm the one doing these Morbid Curiosity articles.)

I Feel...

Here is how I'm feeling today...I feel:

ILL because my recent trip to the doctor revealed a yeast infection and I am no longer able to sit down for very long,

FRUSTRATED because my latest paycheck was only $140, which is probably all going to be eaten up by my hospital bills,

HUNGRY because I haven't eaten breakfast yet (for shame, Weasel!),

SORE because I slept wrong today, and

RELIEVED because no matter how bad I feel, that doesn't stop me from playing my games. Though I still wish I had a friend to talk to. In person. But the fact that the doctor has specifically disallowed me from wearing pants pretty much puts a damper on the whole thing.

Fire The Shark Ray!

Okay, so apparently games have more game-breaking glitches these days than before. At least, according to the modern gaming press. The example linked is a game called Forever Blue. And what's the glitch?

Threads are popping up crazy claiming that when shark rays are added to the underwater fish tank, the game locks up and freezes 100 percent.

This description entered my imagination and brought me to one conclusion: frickin' sharks, with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads. I imagined Frau Farbissina shouting "FIRE THE SHARK RAY!!".

But imagine my disappointment when I clicked through the above-linked Kotaku article to find that, apparently, a shark ray is actually a kind of shark, and not some sophisticated piece of shark (or even anti-shark) weaponry. A man can still dream, though - and I shall have a very good dream indeed, if I happen to be armed with shark rays. Two of them. One for each of ya's.

Hey, If Somebody Wants To Help Me Out A Bit...

Buy me this headset. It may claim to be for the PS3, but I've heard recommendations from reputable sources that this thing also works for the PC, and quite well (Shatter of ZMZX Radio uses it to DJ, and the quality is superb). Also, since it mounts itself as its own sound card in Windows, this could be the solution to my microphone volume issues (which stem from my Sound Blaster X-Fi, and the fact that it does not actually have a microphone port, but a Flexijack port which is intended for a very different kind of microphone).

So if anybody is feeling very (very) benevolent, then please...help a guy out! I don't have the money after my hospital bills! My work hours suck!

Aw hell, who am I kidding. I'm turning into a beggar. I might as well traverse the Internet with a shopping cart full of empty soda cans, asking for change with a drunken slur.

You Bet Your Life

Okay, so maybe we didn't quite have enough people at the Groucho Marx rally to beat Missouri's previous record - I don't know for sure, I need to keep an eye on the newspaper if I'm to find out for certain. I took plenty of pictures, though, so if we happen to have made it, I'll probably splice my photos and footage together for a YouTube video or something.

I really gotta make use of that "YouTube Abuse" tag that I have.

Morbid Curiosity is still in the works, as I play through the (surprisingly playable) Epidemic. Level design has certainly improved, but I'm not sure I like the actual combat - enemies seem to take too much damage.

November is going to be a very expensive month for me, as most of the shooters I'm looking forward to are coming out then - plus all the DVD's that I have yet to buy, such as Harvey Birdman seasons 1 and 3, Suzumiya Haruhi volume 2, and possibly the Cowboy Bebop movie (or the complete anime series - they're both great).

Thankfully, my visits to the hospital are about to come to an end, and I'll no longer have to pay their extravagant visit bills (employee benefits covered most of it, but it's still $20 per visit which is bleeding me dry - moreso than the doctors themselves).

I'm Chevy Chase and You're Not

Weekend Update.

I took an arbitrary, almost-unplanned trip to my brother's place yesterday, where we played various multiplayer games and otherwise screwed around. Lots of cat-handling was done, and we also played a couple hours' worth of Destroy All Humans 2, which is actually quite fun in co-op mode (if it weren't for that damn teleport beam tethering the players together, and the saucer's turret gunner mode is practically worthless).

Today is a momentous occasion for Marx Brothers worshipers the world over, as today is the day that a Guinness World Record is set for "Most People Wearing Groucho Marx Glasses". They're shooting for 2,000 people, and I'LL BE THERE! And I'm bringing a camera and stuff too so you can see pictures of me wearing Groucho glasses! (I wonder if they'll sell rubber cigars?)

My next Morbid Curiosity feature is in the works, as I "acquire" the sequel to Kileak, entitled Epidemic, which "supersedes Kileak: The DNA Imperative with advanced 3D graphics, increased AI, faster character movement and incredible sound effects." I wonder if that means there's going to be somebody other than Carlos contacting me on my communicator? Er, I mean, "Caution Carlos"?

I should probably wrap this post up, as I haven't showered yet, and I must be in top condition in order to effectively deliver the countless Groucho Marx lines that I've stored up (wait, I forgot to study - damn!).

Morbid Curiosity: Kileak

Years and years ago, back in the mid-to-late 90's, there existed a little video rental store in Cornelius called Whiz Bang Video. We were very frequent customers of theirs, often taking advantage of their impromptu sales (free cartoon rental with rental of one movie or video game), and also perusing their stock of rental games for the hottest new systems. Super Nintendo. Playstation. Nintendo 64.

It was during the Playstation days that we happened upon a dinged-up game, still in its original tall-style case, called Kileak: The DNA Imperative. Its age was plainly obvious, even though it was only 1998 - the year of Crash Bandicoot, Syphon Filter, Twisted Metal 2, among many others.

We rented Kileak because we thought it looked good. When we got home with it, though, we were very disappointed.

Kileak was critically panned at its release. Mostly for its dated-looking graphics, dull Wolfenstein-esque level design, and terrible controls. To make matters worse, the copy available at Whiz Bang was scratched so badly, that the second level could not be started. One could walk down the hallway a little ways before the computer chimes in with "Message Received!", at which point the game is supposed to display an FMV of "Carlos" telling you to proceed with caution. But on this copy, it would freeze at exactly the point the FMV was supposed to start.

Revisiting it after nearly ten years, I can safely say that Kileak is every bit as terrible as I remember it - though surprisingly, the quality of voice acting has stood up fairly well compared to other games of its time (cough houseofthedead cough). I can't say much for "Carlos"'s dialogue, though - I've taken to nicknaming him "Caution", because his messages are comprised almost entirely of "Proceed with extreme caution!".

I plan to make Morbid Curiosity a regular feature of the Blaugh, along with the Weasel Ideal. I probably have too many category tags now anyway...though if you were to compare me to Kotaku, I'm sure they have hundreds of tags - many of which have only been used once. (Not counting the classic "Jubblies" tag, which ironically has also been used on nearly every post about Doki Doki Majo Shinpan.)